Relationship

Background Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

Are you yearning for closeness in a relationship? Are you willing to take steps toward intimacy?

It's in using the principles that follow that  I am currently writing a family memoir. By fostering a relationship with my great Aunt Anna Bella and paying attention to what she had to offer, I learned about the events that would shape her life and her "fully engaged" personality. For more on my great aunt click on this link
("A Picture on the Wall.")

The Principles

A relationship becomes stronger when we listen.  For a verbal processor it can be hard to keep from talking long enough to hear the person you’re with. Can you identify? I can.

“Commit” to being present. “Focus” on the person you are with.  “Listen” and “hear” all of what they are sharing.  It takes putting one’s own needs aside and shutting off the inner chatter of your mind. Hear their inner desires without judgment.
 
“Reflect” back to them by showing that you hear and understand. You can do this by saying something like: “It sounds like you mean ___” or “____ really seems painful for you.”  When someone feels heard they’ll “discover” what’s troubling them and be able to put it in perspective.

You’ll know you’re on the right track when their face and shoulders relax and their voice softens. They've reached an Ah-ha moment.  It's that moment when they've figured out what is at the core of their distress.  They begin to “heal”. Watch and hear them become “energized” as they share a “solution” that is uniquely their's.

Closeness abounds when a person feels that they are understood. Their gratitude is evident.

Relationship Recap

Commit 
to being present.

Focus
on the person you’re with.

Listen
carefully.

Hear
what is being said.

Reflect
back what you’ve heard, briefly.

Discovery
will happen if you let it.

Healing
begins.

Solution
found.

The more present we are in a relationship the closer we'll get.

If  you've found this post helpful, feel free to click "Share".  Also, I'd appreciate hearing what you think.

Resources:  The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Z. Shafir, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey, and Listening Made Easy by Robert L. Montgomery

She Lost Her "Best Friend"

A simple Landry family story about the legacy we leave and a not so typical friendship through the eyes of thirteen year old. Though given in the first person, it is compiled from various conversations with my great Aunt Anna Bella Landry (Bradley) and research information available at the time of this writing.

Michael and Charlotte (Bouchard) Landry Family - Circa 1915

January 1917
Halifax, Nova Scotia

I’m thirteen years old and I’m crying uncontrollably. My best friend is gone. Please, it can’t be true, I need her too much. I’m a mess.

The rest of the family is attending the wake and funeral.  They thought my constant crying would be too disruptive, so I’m home.

While sobbing, my thoughts turn to this past year.  It started off great. Each day my younger sister Elizabeth and I would get up early and help Mom get breakfast ready.  Because we have five older brothers, we love having time with Mom.  There are actually four boys at home because Leo has gone overseas to fight for our country.  Also, there would have been three girls, but older sister Bernadette died two months after she was born.

Following breakfast, Dad, Joe, and Dan head off to work. Elizabeth and I clear the table then head out to St. Joseph’s School.  While we’re gone Mom cleans the dishes and does other chores like washing laundry and keeping the house spotless.  All of this is done by hand. We didn’t have a dishwasher or a washer and dryer.

When we returned home, Abe and Jimmy head off to school.  Girls go in the morning and boys in the afternoon because the boy’s school is being repaired.  Mom is spending more time teaching me how to keep house.

Then one dreadful day in June, we got news that Leo had been killed in the Battle of Y-Press in Belgium.  This left a big hole in our family and Mom was never the same.

Summer into fall is hard to remember.    As the days got colder and colder Mom continually went outside, without a coat on, to hang laundry.   When asked about it she’d say she had too much to do to bother with her coat.  Our over protective Mom, not wearing a coat didn’t make sense to me.  Then she got weak and started coughing.  Before long she was getting behind on everyday chores.  Our immaculate house was looking a bit disorganized and laundry was piling up.  Elizabeth and I were worried and so were Dad and the boys.  Mom was hospitalized and diagnosed with Tuberculosis.   She didn’t make it.   I not only lost my Mom, I lost my best friend.

Note:   Great grandmother Charlotte (Bouchard) Landry was 46 years old when she passed away. She sewed the dresses that Anna and Elizabeth were wearing in the picture above.  Charlotte was thrifty with money and she raised children who knew how to take care of it and provide for their families. Her love and dedication to her family live on in the current generations.

Landry family picture:
Back row from left to right –  Private Leo , Michael (Dad), Joseph, Annie Adams (Dan's first wife), Daniel, Charlotte (Mom)
Front Row:  Anna Bella, Elizabeth

Cape Breton Boys – a life altering sledding experience.

Sled from www.pixabay.com

Are there story tellers in your family tree?

I’ve found that spending time with relatives can uncover moving stories of triumph over tragedy.  What follows is one of my favorites. 

It is the winter of 1910 and the Landry family is living in River Bourgeois, Cape Breton.  There’s a foot of fresh snow covering the steep hill a short walk from their home.  School is out and children are making their way up to the top with sleds in hand.  One at a time and in groups, they mount their sleds and head down the slope.  The air fills with shouts of joy.

Standing on the sideline are two Landry brothers, eleven year old Abe and fourteen year old Leo.   Their hearts race with excitement as they watch their friends speed down the snowy incline.  Caught up in the excitement, Mom’s words forbidding them to go sledding have slipped deep into the dead zones of their brains.

After sliding down the hill several times, Clifford walks over and places his sled at Leo’s feet. 

“Want to take a few turns?” he asks.    

Leo says,” Thanks” as he grabs it by its side and then heads to the summit. 

The delight Leo feels, as he rides down the hill, surpasses anything he’s experienced before.  It only gets better with each trip down.

Then something strange happens.  The last thing Leo remembers is walking over to Abe and Clifford with the sled.  But now he’s running and his mind seems to have blanked out why.   Clifford is running with him.

Reality comes into focus as Leo sees what he’s heading toward.  Abe’s contorted body and a broken sled are lying next to a huge maple tree at the base of the hill.

Winter Tree from www.pixabay.com 

Leo gets there first and crouches down next to Abe’s body.  Clifford joins him within seconds. The rest of the children aren’t far behind.  

Abe’s eyes are closed and he’s not moving. His right leg is at a peculiar angle and there’s blood trickling out of gouges seen through the large tear in his pant leg.

The three of them are soon surrounded by the rest of the children.  

“Abe,” Leo shouts.

There’s no response.

“We’ve got to get him off the cold ground.  We need a large toboggan.” Clifford pleads.

The circle of children separate as a large toboggan is handed over. 

The two teens quickly grab Abe’s motionless body. As they lift, it stiffens.  Abe’s eyes open and he lets out an ear-piercing scream as they place him on the toboggan.   Leo holds back tears as his brother looks up at him wincing in pain.

 Abe starts trembling and says, “Mom’s going to kill me when she finds out.”

“Abe, we’ll figure something out.  We’ve got to get you home,” Leo says.

Grabbing the rope attached to the front of the sled, Leo pulls and heads down the path to their home.  Clifford joins him.  Abe moans as his body is jostled in route. 

Leo’s mind is racing. How can they can get Abe in the house and keep Mom from finding out? She’s going to kill us. 

Before entering the house the boys work out a plan.  They are successful in keeping it from their parents for a short while.   How they pulled this off is still a mystery.   

Once it was discovered that Abe was seriously hurt, a doctor was summoned from St. Peter’s.  By the time the doctor arrives a couple of days have passed.  Upon examination, it is discovered that Abe’s right side has taken the brunt of his run-in with the maple tree.  The trauma to that side includes:  a broken hip, several holes running down his leg with pus coming out of them, and the inability to move his foot.    

Abe Landry at Landry's Shoe Repair, Halifax, NS

Abe suffers greatly in the months to come, but recovers.  As a result of the trauma the growth in his right leg is stunted; leaving him with one leg shorter than the other. This in combination with the damage to his foot makes getting around difficult.   A cobbler helps by taking measurements and a special boot with a lift inside is ordered from New York.   The boot gives Abe freedom of movement and a passion to apprentice as a cobbler.  

Following through on his desire to become a cobbler, Abe apprenticed and then set up his own business.  He became the owner and operator of Landry's Shoe Repair in the Hydrostone district in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  Abe ran his business for 47 years. 

This story is dedicated to Leo Landry who served in WWI and fought at the battle of Y-press in Belgium where he died on 4 June 1916 at the age of 18.  

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Special thanks go out to Mark and Courtney Moore and to the late Abe Landry and Anna Bella Landry Bradley for sharing their stories with us.  “The River That Isn’t”, by Garvie Samson was beneficial in creating this short story and gives a wonderful perspective about the people and their lives in River Bourgeois, Cape Breton from 1714 to 1994. 

I’d enjoy hearing what you think of this story in the comments section is below. 

Family Matters

Grandpa Jim, cousin MaryAnn, Me, & sister Karen

“Failing to connect with your family leaves you alone in important ways that lovers, children, friends, and work cannot replace.” – Monica McGoldrick, PhD

Family really does matter.  The way we relate to our family of origin affects our well-being, our lives.  It’s not in separation; it’s in coming together to form healthier relationships that we thrive. 

Having said this, there are extreme circumstances of physical and/or verbal abuse in which separation is necessary.  Be safe.

I believe that within each unhealthy family system there are glimmers of hope.  It’s human nature to want a healthy and fulfilling life.

“Gaining more knowledge of one’s distant families of origin can help one become aware that there are no angels and devils in a family: they were human beings, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, each reacting predictably to the emotional issue of the moment, and each doing the best they could with their own life course.” – Murray Bowen, M.D.

None of us gets through this life unscathed.

Maturity means looking beyond oneself. 

The gift of my grandparent’s generation.

In search of my heritage I spent time with family members from my grandparents generation.

Family photos with stories of tragedy and triumph accompanied by a cup of tea are my treasured memories with two great aunts.  My great Aunt Mabelle, on my mother’s side and my great Aunt Anna Bella, on my dad’s lived 15 minutes apart.  This made it convenient when I’d come in from hours away to see them both on the same day.

Each grew up quickly, having lost a parent as a teenager.  Longevity would be their hallmark with both living on their own up until a short time before their deaths, Aunt Mabelle (93 years) and Aunt Anna Bella (103 years).

Aunt Mabelle, Great-grandmother Judith, Grandmother Marie

 Aunt Mabelle – “Mémère”

“Mémère” – French Canadian for “Grammy”.

An extrovert with an active social life and event calendar, there were plenty of new things to talk about.  As she identified photos I would learn more about her life and the lives of my ancestors, woven with deep loss and great joy. 

Being childless, she helped me grieve, pick up the pieces, and move on. 

Once retired, she offered to be there for the families in her neighborhood.  If a parent was delayed from coming home from work, children had a safe place to come after school.  With her grandmotherly ways, weekdays weren’t the only time children would come over to visit. When she passed, a large arrangement with the word “Mémère” on it adorned her casket.  Inside were trinkets and letters of gratitude for the mutual love between them.

Dan Babineau, Aunt Anna Bella, Uncle Frank and Aunt Elizabeth

 Aunt Anna Bella – Evergreen.

“...your soul could never grow old it's evergreen.” – Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud

Being in Aunt Anna Bella’s presence meant watching the years disappear as she spoke.  A lover of knowledge, she kept up with current trends which made for some lively discussions and contributed to her youthful and energetic personality. 

An introvert, Anna had a small but meaningful group of friends.  She’d tell me to choose my friends well because as you get older you’ll need to find younger ones with a passion for life and a caring spirit.   A family picture hanging over her bed would open the door to a story of horrific tragedy and survival.  This sharing would lead to conversations with relatives from both the US and Canada.  As we continue in dialogue our heritage lives on.  (There will be more on this tragedyin a future blog.)

In searching to learn more about my family history, I had the privilege of attending a retreat based on Bowen Family Systems.  The goal is to reach a more mature state and a more meaningful life through looking at your family history and the way you relate to people in the present. 

Do you believe that you’ve been influenced by the generations that have come before you?

Are you looking for healthier relationships and striving for more meaning in your life?

“Growing Yourself Up” – by Jenny Brown is a condensed version of the retreat.  The helps alone at the back of the book are worth the price. Available at: Amazon and Barnes&Noble

If you have a moment, I’d be interested in hearing a family story that has empowered you. Leave a comment in the section below.