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| Grandpa Jim, cousin MaryAnn, Me, & sister Karen |
Family really does matter. The way we relate to our family of origin
affects our well-being, our lives. It’s
not in separation; it’s in coming together to form healthier relationships that
we thrive.
Having said this, there are extreme circumstances of physical
and/or verbal abuse in which separation is necessary. Be safe.
I believe that within each unhealthy family system there
are glimmers of hope. It’s human nature
to want a healthy and fulfilling life.
“Gaining more knowledge of one’s distant families of
origin can help one become aware that there are no angels and devils in a
family: they were human beings, each with their own strengths and weaknesses,
each reacting predictably to the emotional issue of the moment, and each doing
the best they could with their own life course.” – Murray Bowen, M.D.
None of us gets through this life unscathed.
Maturity means looking beyond oneself.
The gift of my grandparent’s generation.
In search of my heritage I spent time with family members from my grandparents generation.
Family photos with stories of tragedy and triumph
accompanied by a cup of tea are my treasured memories with two great
aunts. My great Aunt Mabelle, on my
mother’s side and my great Aunt Anna Bella, on my dad’s lived 15 minutes
apart. This made it convenient when
I’d come in from hours away to see them both on the same day.
Each grew up quickly, having lost a parent as a
teenager. Longevity would be their
hallmark with both living on their own up until a short time before their
deaths, Aunt Mabelle (93 years) and Aunt Anna Bella (103 years).
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| Aunt Mabelle, Great-grandmother Judith, Grandmother Marie |
“Mémère” – French Canadian for “Grammy”.
An extrovert with an active social life and event
calendar, there were plenty of new things to talk about. As she identified photos I would learn more
about her life and the lives of my ancestors, woven with deep loss and great
joy.
Being childless, she helped me grieve, pick up the
pieces, and move on.
Once retired, she offered to be there for the families in
her neighborhood. If a parent was
delayed from coming home from work, children had a safe place to come after school. With her grandmotherly ways, weekdays weren’t
the only time children would come over to visit. When she passed, a large
arrangement with the word “Mémère” on it adorned her
casket. Inside were trinkets and letters
of gratitude for the mutual love between them.
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| Dan Babineau, Aunt Anna Bella, Uncle Frank and Aunt Elizabeth |
“...your soul could never grow old it's evergreen.” – Ed Sheeran,
Thinking Out Loud
Being in Aunt Anna Bella’s presence meant watching the
years disappear as she spoke. A lover of
knowledge, she kept up with current trends which made for some lively
discussions and contributed to her youthful and energetic personality.
An introvert, Anna had a small but meaningful group of
friends. She’d tell me to choose my
friends well because as you get older you’ll need to find younger ones with a
passion for life and a caring spirit. A
family picture hanging over her bed would open the door to a story of horrific
tragedy and survival. This sharing would
lead to conversations with relatives from both the US and Canada. As we continue in dialogue our heritage lives
on. (There will be more on this tragedyin a future blog.)
In searching to learn more about my family history, I had
the privilege of attending a retreat based on Bowen Family Systems. The goal is to reach a more mature state and
a more meaningful life through looking at your family history and the way you
relate to people in the present.
Do you believe that you’ve been influenced by the
generations that have come before you?
Are you looking for healthier relationships and striving
for more meaning in your life?
“Growing Yourself Up” – by Jenny Brown is a condensed version
of the retreat. The helps alone at the
back of the book are worth the price. Available at: Amazon and Barnes&Noble
If you have a moment, I’d be interested in hearing a
family story that has empowered you. Leave a comment in the section below.
Family, past and present are very important. Mary Ann C.
ReplyDeleteYes! Thank you for sharing!
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