Friday, July 31, 2015

Family Matters

Grandpa Jim, cousin MaryAnn, Me, & sister Karen
“Failing to connect with your family leaves you alone in important ways that lovers, children, friends, and work cannot replace.” – Monica McGoldrick, PhD

Family really does matter.  The way we relate to our family of origin affects our well-being, our lives.  It’s not in separation; it’s in coming together to form healthier relationships that we thrive. 

Having said this, there are extreme circumstances of physical and/or verbal abuse in which separation is necessary.  Be safe.

I believe that within each unhealthy family system there are glimmers of hope.  It’s human nature to want a healthy and fulfilling life.

“Gaining more knowledge of one’s distant families of origin can help one become aware that there are no angels and devils in a family: they were human beings, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, each reacting predictably to the emotional issue of the moment, and each doing the best they could with their own life course.” – Murray Bowen, M.D.

None of us gets through this life unscathed.
Maturity means looking beyond oneself. 

The gift of my grandparent’s generation.

In search of my heritage I spent time with family members from my grandparents generation.

Family photos with stories of tragedy and triumph accompanied by a cup of tea are my treasured memories with two great aunts.  My great Aunt Mabelle, on my mother’s side and my great Aunt Anna Bella, on my dad’s lived 15 minutes apart.  This made it convenient when I’d come in from hours away to see them both on the same day.

Each grew up quickly, having lost a parent as a teenager.  Longevity would be their hallmark with both living on their own up until a short time before their deaths, Aunt Mabelle (93 years) and Aunt Anna Bella (103 years).

Aunt Mabelle, Great-grandmother Judith, Grandmother Marie
 Aunt Mabelle – Mémère

“Mémère” – French Canadian for “Grammy”.

An extrovert with an active social life and event calendar, there were plenty of new things to talk about.  As she identified photos I would learn more about her life and the lives of my ancestors, woven with deep loss and great joy. 

Being childless, she helped me grieve, pick up the pieces, and move on. 

Once retired, she offered to be there for the families in her neighborhood.  If a parent was delayed from coming home from work, children had a safe place to come after school.  With her grandmotherly ways, weekdays weren’t the only time children would come over to visit. When she passed, a large arrangement with the word “Mémère” on it adorned her casket.  Inside were trinkets and letters of gratitude for the mutual love between them.

Dan Babineau, Aunt Anna Bella, Uncle Frank and Aunt Elizabeth
 Aunt Anna Bella – Evergreen.

“...your soul could never grow old it's evergreen.” – Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud

Being in Aunt Anna Bella’s presence meant watching the years disappear as she spoke.  A lover of knowledge, she kept up with current trends which made for some lively discussions and contributed to her youthful and energetic personality. 

An introvert, Anna had a small but meaningful group of friends.  She’d tell me to choose my friends well because as you get older you’ll need to find younger ones with a passion for life and a caring spirit.   A family picture hanging over her bed would open the door to a story of horrific tragedy and survival.  This sharing would lead to conversations with relatives from both the US and Canada.  As we continue in dialogue our heritage lives on.  (There will be more on this tragedyin a future blog.)

In searching to learn more about my family history, I had the privilege of attending a retreat based on Bowen Family Systems.  The goal is to reach a more mature state and a more meaningful life through looking at your family history and the way you relate to people in the present. 

Do you believe that you’ve been influenced by the generations that have come before you?

Are you looking for healthier relationships and striving for more meaning in your life?

“Growing Yourself Up” – by Jenny Brown is a condensed version of the retreat.  The helps alone at the back of the book are worth the price. Available at: Amazon and Barnes&Noble

If you have a moment, I’d be interested in hearing a family story that has empowered you. Leave a comment in the section below. 

2 comments:

  1. Family, past and present are very important. Mary Ann C.

    ReplyDelete